Fact: Your therapist is not a friend, but you need to feel comfortable enough to share difficult feelings and experiences with them. The therapeutic relationship should be like no other dynamic between two people. In most relationships, there is an expectation of reciprocity where you consider the feelings and needs of the other person even when you are receiving support. Therapy is a service you are paying for and it should allow you to feel a sense of freedom to receive support without worrying about how it is impacting the therapist. A friend often relates to your story or shares uncensored reactions, whereas a therapist should be contemplating something known as accurate empathy. According to Miller and Moyers (2021), accurate empathy is the most important therapeutic factor in achieving positive outcomes.
Here’s an example of how therapy differs from friendship. Let’s assume someone in therapy shared that she recently lost her father. The intuitive reaction of a friend or unskilled therapist would be to say something like, “Oh, I am so sorry for your loss” while perhaps baring a very heartbroken face. This is a perfectly normal reaction to news of such a loss. It could be though, that in reality, this person never knew their father—he left the family when she was still a baby and she has resented him since for leaving. It is the therapist’s job to be curious and ask helpful questions instead of react. In order to do so, they need to try to understand you in a way that will result in you better understanding of yourself, while really feeling seen.
Remember that a therapist is being paid to think deeply about the best ways to help you. Responding to the example above with gut-reaction empathy would not be helpful. This is why the therapeutic relationship is entirely different from a friend giving support.
Myth #3: I Don’t Need to Have Goals in Therapy; Venting to My Therapist Is Enough.